I come home on the 24th, guys! Home from a solid month at Oxy, and now I'm sore and tired and overworked and underslept and my anxiety gets the best of me all the time so I end up at 3:30 in the morning crying to my RA about how my mother never really loved me and why can't I just be who I am and blah blah blah. Yeah. That's what spurred the poem last night. Well, okay, so I wrote it before last night but I read it for the MSI talent show last night and now it's eating me up and everything.
Anyway, I miss a lot of things and a lot of people and I think I'm slowly going insane, but honey I'm coming home soon. Hallelujah and oh, my God. I'm so happy to finally be on my way home sweet home. I miss my bed and I miss my television and twelve hours of sleep on a weeknight because I don't have class in the morning. I miss Gabby and Xan (who I got to open and play with for a half hour before putting him back away and not tak
ing him back to the dorms) and Hannahla and Hannah. I miss the Eilmeister and Julia and everyone else. I'm sorry I had to leave you for so long. I want to hang out. I miss my Kelly Dell, who I'm so proud of for telling me things over Facebook that nobody said you had to say. I miss being able to just talk and laugh and not have to analyze and think over every single book I read. I miss being able to wander into my bedroom at three in the morning because I stayed up too late watching television.
I miss sleeping naked.
I miss having a room to myself (even though I love Qiu with all my heart and hope she's my roommate for freshman year). I miss waking up to silence i
nstead of partying, and staying up watching tv and talking to friends instead of sta
ying up because there's a paper or a math project due the next day, but really this day but I can't sleep because I've got to work even though I've been up for 27 hours straight. I miss all that. But at the same time, I like so many of the people here. Even Checa. She's a total witch, but she's also really cool about it. Sometimes she comes off as an evil person, but she makes up for it. Hell, I even think that when I'm gone, I'll miss Daniel (who is the single most annoying and judgmental person in the world). I know I'm going to miss a few people I've crushed on. Okay, okay, you can have a list: Evan (though no more crush), Greg (who has a girlfriend), Qiu (who is straight and has like 3 people crushing on her), Aaron (who I still like/may have a chance with), Nancy (when did I realize that?), and the one name above names that I think I'm obsessed with even though I know she doesn't and probably will never like me like that (even though I brought her comfort food after she shared something that broke my heart): Jordie. Jordanne. Ho-Shue. Ugh.
Yeah. I think I'll miss her the most.
But the fact of the matter is that I have to go home. It's both, but this week seems pretty chill (or chill enough but deceptive). I'll have time to chill with people, there's a dance, and I'll dance and we'll chill. It'll be a good week, even though it's really hectic. I just...I'm trying to figure out why all of a sudden my brain decided that it wanted to like so many people at once. Maybe there are just too many cute people here and then I can't figure out exactly what she means...wait. No. Not she. It. I can't figure out what it means.
You see what MSI is doing to me? I'm half asleep, typing in class, and trying to figure out who the fuck I am and who I like and what the hell I'm going to do
about it. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Or not.
I don't really have anything important to say today, I just want to keep talking. Salem. Josh. Them as a couple. And possibly as nothing. What? When did they decide that maybe love couldn't be love if it couldn't be physical? Why can't it be physical? It's love, you know? They love each other. They really do, and I love the both of them.
I made Nancy cry last night. I didn't mean to. I think there was just a lot of emotion in Stefanie's room last night. I'm going to miss them both. They're so nice. So, so nice and they're such wonderful people. I don't deserve awesome like that, but I have it. I'm so glad I have it. I have awesome in Salem and Josh and all the other people that I know. It's wonderful. I have people. I have people. When did I realize that? I think when I woke up I kind of realized it, but I'm still trying to process it all. I didn't wake up until 10 o' clock. Class start
s at 9. Yeah. My anxiety has been haywire here. My tummy keeps gurgling and hating me.
I'm making a promise right now. Every day for a year, I'm going to write in this. I promise. By the time I reach July 20th, 2011, I will have written in this 365 times. And I won't give up. I'm committing to something, which I think is something that I'm secretly terrified of. I hate change. And commitment is change, but I'm going to commit to this and everything will be fine. It's just posting in a journal. Even if I don't have all that much to say. But I do today. Today, I have lots and lots and lots of things to say and I don't know if the words will stop. Maybe there's a word limit that will cut me off and I'll have to shut up. Hah.
Oh, here's a picture of a couple people that I like. Qiu and Jordan squared.
Oh, and I'm really ridiculously clumsy in a bad way when I'm here. I ran into a stair rail and ended up with a terrible, terrible bruise on my knee that's just started to go away a few days ago.
Bad, baaaaad bruise.
Yeah. I think I'm going to take a picture every day and upload it just to give you guys a sense of what goes on in my life, kay? Because I think you all who read this, what few, deserve to know what goes on in my life rather than these bigass blurbs that leave shit out because I don't remember it a few days later.
I HAVE A UNICORN WATER BOTTLE. How kickass is that? It's hot pink (to match a lot of the stuff for my dorm) and it has blue and green stars and dots on it and then white outlines of unicorns. Yeah. I have an awesome water bottle. And it gives me unicorn water. I secretly pull a Harry Potter and say that it's unicorn blood so that I can heal all my wounds and live forever. Muahahaha, I are a Voldermort. :B
Okay, I think I'm done being a nerd for the moment. I'm going to pretend to pay attention in class now while I play on Facebook and FrontierVille. Peace out for now.
L-O-V-E always,
Clarke
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