I Don't Even Care if I'm Being Used

Today is a very good day in my life, even though my horoscope said some pretty shittastic things about today. Here, hold on, I'll let you read it. I was born on December 10th, which makes me a Sagittarius. Here's what it says for July 22, 2010.

From horoscope.com: "In general, your spirit is upbeat, freedom loving, and adventurous, Sagittarius. Today, however, you might find that it's a bit more intense and possibly somber, especially when it comes to romantic issues. This approach to matters of the heart isn't exactly your normal style, but you're apt to find that it's appropriate for your situation now. Make sure you have the right tools for the job at hand."

Yeah. Okay, someone interpret that for me. You all know that I kind of have major crushes for this person who's going to be a junior in a month. Yeah, Jordie. -Sigh- She's so...yeah. And I do have an upbeat spirit today. But at the same time, I don't know the difference between intense and somber. Especially because intense isn't a word I use very often to describe things about my life. My mother, yeah, and maybe even my dad when he's working out or something, but not me. Also, what the fuck are the "right tools" for the job? I mean, I guess being good at organizing would be a good tool for the job at hand, considering that I'm helping Jordie organize all her stuff before she leaves for Jamaica until school starts.

Um, yeah. I kind of stalk her, but not, you know? She came to my room today. I can't believe she came to my room today. I was napping instead of going to lunch, and she knocked once and then came in. I didn't look up because I thought it was Justin coming to wake us up or something, but Qiu got up, and then all of a sudden I hear her voice. And I practically jumped out of bed. I just really, really don't want to end up in the friend zone. That would suck. I feel like I'm there, though. Oh well.

I'm going to go back to helping Jordie clean her room up in about fifteen minutes. I think that's enough time for a Scrabble game. Lord knows I'm not ever doing Deal or No Deal again...that was a cruel project, but it was fun-ish. If I didn't have to do all the games myself, I would have enjoyed it more. I'll have some pictures for you guys of some random stuff later this week. Just of the random things I like to take pictures of, you know? So...yeah.

I feel like today has been/is going to be a good day.

This could really be a good life.

L-O-V-E always,

Clarke

I Am So Happy

Knowing you are the one that I'll want for the rest of my days. I'm happy knowing that you are mine. The grass is greener on the other side. The more I think the more I wish that we could lay here for hours and just reminisce. Ooh, ooh. (Happy - Never Shout Never)

Hey guys! I'm in a good mood today. :o Shocking, right? I don't know. I fee like the only time I ever post anything (aside from now because of my edict) is when I'm having a shitty day. But today I haven't done too much. I mean, I went to class and I was on sporcle.com for two hours because I was so bored with my life, learned some interesting things, and stayed awake during class. Over all it was a success.

I'm sort of bored at the moment, though. Like, you have no idea how uninterested I am in my life right now. I get to go home on the 24th, and that's all I'm interested in right now. Just three more days. That's it. Just three days, and I don't have to worry about MSI or college for another month. Thank the sweet Lord.

Um, so I'm kind of done with everything today. I'm going to work on my math project and start playing Scrabble so that I can go to bed at a reasonable hour. Thanks for listening to me, guys. I know that I'm not as entertaining as I like to think that I am.

L-O-V-E always,

Clarke

This is My Life

I come home on the 24th, guys! Home from a solid month at Oxy, and now I'm sore and tired and overworked and underslept and my anxiety gets the best of me all the time so I end up at 3:30 in the morning crying to my RA about how my mother never really loved me and why can't I just be who I am and blah blah blah. Yeah. That's what spurred the poem last night. Well, okay, so I wrote it before last night but I read it for the MSI talent show last night and now it's eating me up and everything.

Anyway, I miss a lot of things and a lot of people and I think I'm slowly going insane, but honey I'm coming home soon. Hallelujah and oh, my God. I'm so happy to finally be on my way home sweet home. I miss my bed and I miss my television and twelve hours of sleep on a weeknight because I don't have class in the morning. I miss Gabby and Xan (who I got to open and play with for a half hour before putting him back away and not tak

ing him back to the dorms) and Hannahla and Hannah. I miss the Eilmeister and Julia and everyone else. I'm sorry I had to leave you for so long. I want to hang out. I miss my Kelly Dell, who I'm so proud of for telling me things over Facebook that nobody said you had to say. I miss being able to just talk and laugh and not have to analyze and think over every single book I read. I miss being able to wander into my bedroom at three in the morning because I stayed up too late watching television.

I miss sleeping naked.

I miss having a room to myself (even though I love Qiu with all my heart and hope she's my roommate for freshman year). I miss waking up to silence i

nstead of partying, and staying up watching tv and talking to friends instead of sta

ying up because there's a paper or a math project due the next day, but really this day but I can't sleep because I've got to work even though I've been up for 27 hours straight. I miss all that. But at the same time, I like so many of the people here. Even Checa. She's a total witch, but she's also really cool about it. Sometimes she comes off as an evil person, but she makes up for it. Hell, I even think that when I'm gone, I'll miss Daniel (who is the single most annoying and judgmental person in the world). I know I'm going to miss a few people I've crushed on. Okay, okay, you can have a list: Evan (though no more crush), Greg (who has a girlfriend), Qiu (who is straight and has like 3 people crushing on her), Aaron (who I still like/may have a chance with), Nancy (when did I realize that?), and the one name above names that I think I'm obsessed with even though I know she doesn't and probably will never like me like that (even though I brought her comfort food after she shared something that broke my heart): Jordie. Jordanne. Ho-Shue. Ugh.

Yeah. I think I'll miss her the most.

But the fact of the matter is that I have to go home. It's both, but this week seems pretty chill (or chill enough but deceptive). I'll have time to chill with people, there's a dance, and I'll dance and we'll chill. It'll be a good week, even though it's really hectic. I just...I'm trying to figure out why all of a sudden my brain decided that it wanted to like so many people at once. Maybe there are just too many cute people here and then I can't figure out exactly what she means...wait. No. Not she. It. I can't figure out what it means.

You see what MSI is doing to me? I'm half asleep, typing in class, and trying to figure out who the fuck I am and who I like and what the hell I'm going to do

about it. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Or not.

I don't really have anything important to say today, I just want to keep talking. Salem. Josh. Them as a couple. And possibly as nothing. What? When did they decide that maybe love couldn't be love if it couldn't be physical? Why can't it be physical? It's love, you know? They love each other. They really do, and I love the both of them.

I made Nancy cry last night. I didn't mean to. I think there was just a lot of emotion in Stefanie's room last night. I'm going to miss them both. They're so nice. So, so nice and they're such wonderful people. I don't deserve awesome like that, but I have it. I'm so glad I have it. I have awesome in Salem and Josh and all the other people that I know. It's wonderful. I have people. I have people. When did I realize that? I think when I woke up I kind of realized it, but I'm still trying to process it all. I didn't wake up until 10 o' clock. Class start

s at 9. Yeah. My anxiety has been haywire here. My tummy keeps gurgling and hating me.

I'm making a promise right now. Every day for a year, I'm going to write in this. I promise. By the time I reach July 20th, 2011, I will have written in this 365 times. And I won't give up. I'm committing to something, which I think is something that I'm secretly terrified of. I hate change. And commitment is change, but I'm going to commit to this and everything will be fine. It's just posting in a journal. Even if I don't have all that much to say. But I do today. Today, I have lots and lots and lots of things to say and I don't know if the words will stop. Maybe there's a word limit that will cut me off and I'll have to shut up. Hah.

Oh, here's a picture of a couple people that I like. Qiu and Jordan squared.

Oh, and I'm really ridiculously clumsy in a bad way when I'm here. I ran into a stair rail and ended up with a terrible, terrible bruise on my knee that's just started to go away a few days ago.

Bad, baaaaad bruise.

Yeah. I think I'm going to take a picture every day and upload it just to give you guys a sense of what goes on in my life, kay? Because I think you all who read this, what few, deserve to know what goes on in my life rather than these bigass blurbs that leave shit out because I don't remember it a few days later.

I HAVE A UNICORN WATER BOTTLE. How kickass is that? It's hot pink (to match a lot of the stuff for my dorm) and it has blue and green stars and dots on it and then white outlines of unicorns. Yeah. I have an awesome water bottle. And it gives me unicorn water. I secretly pull a Harry Potter and say that it's unicorn blood so that I can heal all my wounds and live forever. Muahahaha, I are a Voldermort. :B

Okay, I think I'm done being a nerd for the moment. I'm going to pretend to pay attention in class now while I play on Facebook and FrontierVille. Peace out for now.

L-O-V-E always,

Clarke

Something To Say

If I could finally tell my mother.

If I could finally tell my mother…

Dear Mom. No, I can’t do it in a letter.

Mom, we’ve gotta talk. No, real life doesn’t work either.

Mom. Mom? Mama, I’m…

Damn it mom, why do you make this so difficult?

I can say it to myself. I can say it to other people. I can even imagine saying it to dad. But to you? No. Never. Maybe?

Let me start at the beginning. But that would take too long.

If I could finally tell my mother.

Three years. It’s been three years dealing and fighting and fucking to figure out who the fuck I am. And I’ve got it.

Finally caught it. And your beliefs are like butter. So it falls through my fingers.

If I could finally make you see it.

If somehow, for a day, you could be it. Then maybe you’d understand it… why we yell about it.

But I can’t, and you aren’t and you won’t, so we do. You’ll never get it.

Can’t I just tell you what it is?

To me it is luscious and beautiful and precious and curvaceous or flat or somewhere in between. To me, it’s a woman.

To you, it’s an abomination.

If I could only tell my mother.

It’s not just women, the feminine that turns me on, that makes me love. It’s you and him and her and us and we and just…people when we only have to…be.

When will me be good enough?

If I could finally tell my mother.

Maybe it’s a cultural thing.

Dykes, butch, homos, lesbians, faggots?

When did these words find their way into my community? Into the black community? Into my home?

I guess when I got here, right? So it’s my fault?

My fault that I can’t stop the yelling whenever we talk about religion.

My fault that you think fags should burn in hell? That I should burn in hell.

Stop. Pause. I need a minute. Gotta think.

What am I gonna tell you when it gets to be too much, too intense in my head?

I’m almost there. Some days I wish…I think.

And I repent. I don’t want to be dead.

I want to live and love just like you never told me I could.

I tried to love the way I knew I should.

Should? Or did because I wanted your approval.

But I’m coming up and moving on.

I’ve got feelings I can’t take

And these things I can’t shake

And I gotta tell you. Gotta go on. It’s driving me insane to hide things.

I’m coming up. I need to spread my wings.

I need space. I need time.

But even that goes by too fast.

So I’m coming out.

What? Wasn’t I supposed to be coming up?

To be a strong woman. To love. To be loved. To have and to hold until death do somebody part.

Mama, that’s what I am.

So I’m coming up. I’m coming out. I’m me, mama.

And I can finally be proud.

I can love a man. And I can love a woman.

And I can love all the things in between and underneath and inside out and upside and do you get the point yet?

I’m tired of fighting and fucking to figure out who the fuck I am.

I’ve got it.

Finally caught it.

And I had to share it with someone.

This time somebody was you.

I’ve gone through this scenario so many times inside my head

And realize that I could say all that but think instead…

“If I could finally tell my mother.”